i've killed my creativity

the perils of over-consumption

a painting by tomoko kashiki

i’ve killed my creativity.

i’ve spent the past year consuming, consuming, and consuming. but never creating. i continue to tell myself that i’m “looking for inspiration.” but this search for inspiration is never-ending.

i’ve spent hours adding tiktoks to my favorites, “for inspiration.” hours scrolling on my for you page, “for inspiration,” when in reality, it’s just procrastination. avoidance.

when i first had the realization of my loss of creativity, i called it “writers’ block” and “artists’ block.” maybe that’s what it was, for a bit. but then i remained in that bleak state.

truth is, i’ve seen too much.

what was supposed to inspire me, left me feeling creatively drained and not good enough. i felt like i could never reach the potential of “real art.” over-consumption has stripped me of my uniqueness. i want to see what everyone else i doing, so i know that what i’m doing is validated. i want to imitate, but not in a cool, pastiche way.

i forgot how creative i used to be. i would constantly have story ideas, new things to draw, melodies to play. when i was a kid, i didn’t need to consume anything to create. i didn’t need to go on my instagram feed for some “ideas.” i didn’t need to google anything. i worked with what i had: my mind. i just made what i wanted to, and what made me happy. i loved the thrill of transforming my thoughts and experiences into a new form. now i struggle even to write a few paragraphs.

so what changed?

as my creativity intertwined with the external world, through excessive time on social media, the authenticity and joy that came from my creativity eroded. i became familiar with trends and expectations concerning art. continuously seeking to measure up burnt me out, and made me unable to create at all.

there’s nothing wrong with consumption. consumption has its positives - understanding the world, feeling a sense of interconnectedness. walking through a gallery filled with different expressions and perspectives. but i’ve done it in the wrong way. i’ve overconsumed. my consumption has let everyone else define art for me. i want to imitate everyone, but not in a cool pastiche way.

my consumption has turned from being an inspiration to being a distraction.

the more i consume, the less i create.

so, i’m on a journey to find the balance between consumption and creation, and reclaim that childlike creativity.